


learn to love

by I_Write_Sans_Not_Tragedies



Series: learn to live [7]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Cherryberry - Freeform, Complicated Relationships, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mustardberry, Past Rape/Non-con, Romance, Sanscest - Freeform, Suicide Attempt, Underfell, some sexual stuff later on, underswap - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-07-14 13:52:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 16,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7174448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Write_Sans_Not_Tragedies/pseuds/I_Write_Sans_Not_Tragedies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blueberry likes Red. He's funny, and kind, and although he's had a rough past, he's a really great guy. Of course, they're different versions of the same person, and they live together, but that doesn't stop Underswap Sans from finding himself infatuated with his friend.</p>
<p>Maybe if things were different, Red would feel the same way. But Blueberry deserves somebody better than a fucked up skeleton with mental issues and five tons of emotional baggage. He deserves somebody who is just as kind and selfless as he is, who can make him happy and be there for him no matter what. He deserves somebody who isn't Red. At least, that's what Red believes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> you know that one time where i said there wouldn't be any shipping in this? well. it was a lie. i fell in love with cherryberry because of my own dumb fanfiction, but don't expect this to be a smooth ride to romantic stability. this is kind of a sequel, i guess?

Five months had gone by in an instant. Gaster no longer woke up in a horrified panic, Red hadn’t chipped in over six weeks, and things were going well. The shed had been connected to the house and modified into a room for Gaster, so Papyrus got his room back. Sans and Red still roomed together, mostly because it was cost effective, but also because they enjoyed the company. 

Sans relaxed on the couch. It was a fine Saturday evening, and the house was quiet. Papyrus and Gaster had gone to the lab to talk to Undyne, and they were likely staying the night. Papyrus and Undyne got along quite well, and she’d invited them to stay. So Sans was left at home with Red for the day, and they’d cleaned the house. 

Red came down the stairs without his jacket and flopped onto the couch beside Sans. He huffed and brought his legs up and laid them near Sans’s face.

“I’m glad I don’t have work tomorrow, I’m gonna need at least two days to recover from all this shit,” he said, wiggling his toes in the shorter monster’s face.

Sans shoved them away with a good-natured laugh. “Gross, Red.”

“What? You don’t have a thing for feet?” he asked, replacing his foot by Sans’s face and grinning. “Give ‘em a lick.”

“Red!” Sans said, but he laughed. This was nice. Red snorted but obliged, moving his feet away and letting out a breath. They’d worked hard. Red was always such a great help around the house, and Sans appreciated that.

He didn’t really try to hide the marks on his arms anymore. It had taken time and patience to get him out of his long-sleeved clothes, and Sans understood, but he didn’t want Red to feel like he should be ashamed of anything. 

“I think we did a pretty good job today,” Sans remarked. “We could tidy up Papy’s room, that’d be fun.”

Red groaned. “Hell no, that place is nasty. I went in there one time and found a taco shell with a sock in it. Who the fuck does that?”

“Maybe he was making a…  _ sock- _ o,” Sans said.

Red laughed, rough and warm and genuine. It took him a second to recover, and when he did, he grinned at Sans. “That was fucking terrible. Seriously, though, I’m not cleaning that shit-storm.”

“Alright, alright, we don’t have to,” Sans relented. He stared up at the ceiling. “If you had your own room it’d probably be just as messy.”

“You’re probably right. But I don’t, so, your point’s invalid.”

“It’s very valid. You’re just a goober.”

“Oh. Oh man. You sure got me, Blue, how am I supposed to recover from that one? Goober? God damn. I’m a  _ goober _ . Ya might as bury me now, cause there’s literally no way I’m ever going to live that one down.”

“You are. You’re a goober. Quite possibly the biggest goober to ever goob.”

Red cackled. Sans loved it when he laughed like that- unrefined and noisy. It was contagious. 

“Don’t laugh at me!” Sans exclaimed, but he was already giggling and Red paid him absolutely no mind.

“Goob- fuckin’ goob, man-” he laughed. It wasn’t even that funny, but it was getting late and the atmosphere was just too warm and relaxed. Sans shifted on the couch and attacked his ribs.

Red started squirming, but he was laughing too hard to get away. Sans tickled his ribs with a triumphant smile on his face.

“Who’s laughing now, Red?” Sans huffed, continuing his vicious assault. The monster was cracking up underneath him, but soon he managed to shove Sans off and roll onto the floor.

They wrestled on the ground for a little while. Sans was well aware of the fact that Red could pin him down any time he wanted, but the bigger Sans was clearly not taking their match very seriously. Then again, they were two grown adults romping around on the floor like children.

Sans papped him in the face and grinned as he rolled the lazy skeleton over and straddled his spine. Red feigned injury, but he was still recovering from the onslaught of giggles and was just smiling idly up at Blue.

He looked wonderful. Sans didn’t have time to process his own thoughts, because he was still buzzing with some weird excitement and Red looked so happy. 

He didn’t realize he’d bent forward and pressed their teeth together until Red’s entire body went stiff and he scrambled out from underneath him.

Sans blinked. Red’s face went through a whirlwind of emotions- surprise, confusion, back to surprise, and then to some kind of… fear? He sat on his ass a few feet away from Sans, who said nothing.

It was fear. Mild and confused fear, but fear nonetheless. His breathing was heavy as he watched his counterpart with big eyes. Sans still felt the contact on his teeth, where they’d touched. There was tension stretched tight in the air.

Red started shaking. 

“I-I’m sorry-” Sans began, because he didn’t know what else to say, because he was an impulsive idiot who’d gone way too far.

Red’s eyes went dark and he was gone in an instant. 

Sans scrambled to his feet, but Red had teleported and Sans had no clue where. He stood, still in a bit of shock, before it wore off and he collapsed onto the couch with a groan. He slapped himself in the face, guilt building in his ribcage.

He’d really messed up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: VERY BLATANT RAPE/NONCON FONTCEST FLASHBACK IN THIS CHAPTER 
> 
>  
> 
> hello darkness my old friend  
> (i was gonna touch on red's PTSD in another separate little diddy but figured HEY why not just do it here. more angst. lmfao)

 

“Fuck… fuck…”

Red didn’t know what the fuck to do. He sat behind the house, staring into the darkness of the trees, trying to calm his breathing and stop his hands from shaking. This wasn’t happening. He grabbed fistfuls of snow and closed his eyes.

_ Papyrus was on top of him, fucking him, clawing him, kissing him. He ran his tongue along Sans’s face like a dog before he bit down on his neck hard enough to make him scream into his gag. _

“Stop it- fuck- stop-” Red breathed.

_ “Kiss me back,” Papyrus demanded. Sans shook his head, trying to pretend he wasn’t crying, trying to pretend that his brother wasn’t fucking him senseless while he was tied to the bedposts and gagged.  _

_ “Kiss me back or I’ll put my cock somewhere else,” Papyrus growled, pulling out. He reached around and undid the gag and Sans obeyed him. As a reward, he kept himself inside of Sans’s ass, instead of his eye socket. _

Red grabbed his skull and gritted his teeth. It was cold, and he tried to focus on that. The memory lingered, half alive and disgusting and dark, until it sank back like something submerged in mud. Red felt gross. He felt wrong and gross and he hated it.

It took him a while, but how long exactly he had no idea. It could’ve been five minutes or it could’ve been half an hour. He waited until his breathing calmed down and his head stopped buzzing. 

It was  _ Blueberry _ . It was a kiss- spur of the moment, meaningless, Sans probably regretted it. Of course he did. He’d said sorry- but Red still felt his teeth on him and his chest tightened.

“Stop it. Don’t- don’t fucking do this. You can’t.” Red hugged himself again. When he looked at Sans he felt happy. He felt… not-gross. He felt like a normal fucking person when he was around his counterpart. He wanted to keep Blueberry safe, and happy, and he wanted to make him smile. That was what friends felt, right? That was how he was supposed to feel?

He rocked himself. He didn’t fucking know. How the hell was he supposed to know this shit? He’d never loved anybody like he loved Blueberry, but they weren’t supposed to kiss. Kissing was- kissing meant you wanted to do other things. Blueberry- he wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do that to Red. He wouldn’t. He… he wouldn’t.

_ But I would. I  _ did _. I raped him- _

Red couldn’t stop himself. He scratched viciously at his arms, the dust drifting down to mix with the snow. He had no right to feel like this- he was the one who’d done it, Blueberry was the only one who should be sitting in the snow crying. He had absolutely no right.

He stayed there for a long time.

 

Red didn’t come back. Sans felt like he was going to be sick, because he had messed up, and Red was suffering for it. What had he been  _ thinking _ ? Clearly a whole lot of nothing, to do that to his friend without asking.

He slapped himself in the face. He was an idiot. A big, fat, dumb idiot, and he felt awful. 

He cleaned the whole house again. He cleaned Papy’s bedroom, and he even did his laundry. He knew he was stress-cleaning but he didn’t know what else to do. Go out and search for Red? Would Red even  _ want _ to see him after what had happened? Had he ruined the friendship they’d had?

Blueberry groaned aloud and admonished himself for freaking out like he was. Red was the only one who had a right to be upset- poor Red. Sans didn’t know the specifics of Red’s abuse, but he’d triggered something, and he felt awful. Sure, it would be nice to be Red’s boyfriend and kiss him and hold his hands sometimes, but- Blueberry caught himself and felt a sharp pang of guilt. No, he couldn’t feel that way. He couldn’t force his romantic feelings on the skeleton. Red probably didn’t even want to be more than friends! But, that was for Red to decide on his own time. Red was like a shy rabbit, and he had been through a hell Sans could never in his life understand. He cared about Red too much to make him uncomfortable.

He groaned and cleaned and then re-cleaned everything he’d already cleaned. Red didn’t come back and Sans thought he was going to puke. He’d messed up so bad. He’d apologize to Red and beg for forgiveness as soon as he came back. No! He would say sorry but he wouldn’t beg- Red didn’t have to feel pressured to forgive him.

Red didn’t like Sans like Sans liked Red, and that was okay. Blueberry just wanted  _ him  _ to be okay.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew >w> sorry for the huge wait on this, I've been low lately and I'm just now getting out of it...
> 
>  
> 
> okay yeah anyways here's thisssss

    Red tried to sneak inside, hoping Blue had gone to bed. He didn’t have a jacket- he couldn’t hide the fresh wounds on his radius. Muffet had already asked if he was alright- she might have already called Sans, but Red was holding out hope.

    He made it four steps inside before he spotted Blue, sitting at the table on his phone. As soon as Red saw the other Sans, Sans saw him, and he was on his feet in an instant.

    “Red!” he gasped, hurrying over and going to hug him- but he stopped himself. Red couldn’t help the wave of regret that washed over him.

    “Hey,” he mumbled. He couldn’t meet Sans’s eyes.

    “Red- I’m so sorry. What I did wasn’t right- I should have asked you first- I’m so sorry for doing that to you…” Sans trailed off. He’d looked down.

    Red took a step back, trying to hold his arm casually. Sans was quiet for a moment, and Red stared at the ground in shame. He couldn’t explain it. He had no excuse- it’d been awhile since he’d done it, Blue was going to be so disappointed, he’d-

    “R-Red,” Sans whispered. “Is… is that… because of me?”

    “No!” Red said immediately. He jerked his head up to see Blue’s tears, a hand over his mouth.

    “Oh my g-god… Red, I’m… I’m so sorry-”

    “It’s not your fault,” he said. “I… I’m sorry… I know I’ve been doing better-”

    Blue rushed him and wrapped his arms around Red, rubbing his back in a familiar way. Red leaned into the hug.

    “I’m so sorry,” Sans said with tears in his voice. “Red- I’m so sorry for doing that to you. I promise I’ll never do it again, not without asking you, I’m… I’m so sorry.”

    Red had nothing to say. He wasn’t crying, he was just… numb. The aftershocks of his panic attack were making it hard to feel much of anything. He wrapped his arms around Blueberry.

    “Come on- you’re freezing,” Sans said as he untangled the two of them. “I’ll make you hot chocolate, okay?” He wiped the tears from his eye sockets.

    “Yeah…”

    Red was guided over to the couch, where Sans sat him down and covered him in a blanket. The skeleton was happy to have something to cover his wounds- he felt exposed now, ashamed of what he’d done. He didn’t want to disappoint either of the brothers again.

    In a matter of minutes, Sans returned with two cups of hot chocolate. He set one down on the end table and offered the other to the shivering monster.

    “Thanks,” Red said. “You didn’t have ta do this… it ain’t your fault-”

    “I did something reckless, and you weren’t comfortable with it,” Sans said immediately. “The least I can do is make sure you’re okay now.”

    “M’fine… it just… caught me off guard, that’s all.”

    “Red-”

    “I’m sorry I… did that,” he said, pulling up the blanket so he knew his arm was covered. “I know you don’t like that shit…”

    “Of course I don’t like it when you hurt yourself,” Sans said, resting a hand on Red’s knee. “But you’ve been doing so well- I’m not upset. I’m sorry for… advancing on you like that.”

    “S’okay,” Red said, taking a little sip of his drink. God he loved hot chocolate. “I know you didn’t mean it.”

    Sans was silent. Red’s chest grew tight as he looked over at his friend and saw him staring down at the couch, a thoughtful expression on his face.

    “You… you don’t really… want to do that, do you?” Red asked. He tried to keep the fear out of his voice. He didn’t do a very good job.

    “Kiss?” Sans asked.

    “N-no.. what comes next…” Red had to look away when he said it. “I know you wouldn’t hurt me, I’m just… I’m…” Red didn’t know how to say it. Scared? Traumatized? He kept his eyes down for a moment. He could only imagine his brother- the pain- When he had the guts to look at Sans again, he saw something very dark and sad in his eyesocket.

    “Red… I don’t want to do that, either,” Sans said slowly. “If you don’t want to be more than friends, I’m okay with that! I really am, I just want you to be happy-”

    “What?” Red blurted, and it silenced Sans immediately. “What the fuck do you mean? How can you be ‘more than friends’ without fucking?”

    Blueberry recoiled at the language.

    “Shit- I’m sorry for shouting-”

    “No, no, it’s okay,” Blue said. Both of them sat back for a moment. Red tried to calm the feeling in his ribcage.

    “Back in my timeline… you didn’t kiss unless you were having sex. People didn’t do that… that romantic stuff.” Red rubbed the back of his skull nervously. “Is that what you’re talking about?”

    “Yeah,” Sans said, a bit more subdued than usual. “Gosh, Red, I didn’t mean to make you think I… wanted to do _that_ … I’m sorry.”

    “You didn’t know,” Red said quietly. Why was his soul beating so fast? Why did he feel… something? He met Blue’s eyes. “Do you… uhm… d-do you really like me like that?”

    Sans blinked. “More than friends?”

    “Y-Yeah…”

    Blueberry played with his bandana for a moment before he spoke. “I… I think I have a very strong potential to,” he said. “But you’re also a very good friend, and I wouldn’t want to ruin that if you don’t feel the same way.”

    Red kept quiet. He sipped his hot chocolate, trying to process what he’d just learned. Sans… didn’t want to have sex. But he still wanted to kiss and be close?

    “I don’t know shit about this…” Red began slowly, softly. “s-so I… I don’t know how I feel… I like you a lot, but… but don’t you deserve somebody who ain’t as fucked up as me?”

    “I don’t think that,” Sans said, almost as quiet. “I think you’re wonderful.”

    Red blushed.

    “...Do you want to give it a try?”

    Red blinked at him. He didn’t know what to say. Blue played with his hands before he looked up again, a slight blue across his face.

    “We can go as slow as you want to, and… if you decide you just want to be friends, we can stop. Or we can just… keep things the way they are, and go from there.”

    “Can I think about it?” Red asked, more than a little sheepish.

    “Of course! Of course you can,” Blue said. “I know this is all really sudden. Lets just… lets just keep things the way they are, okay? If you decide you don’t want it, that’s fine, and if you do, that’s fine, too!”

    “Can we… still hug and stuff?”

    Blue giggled for a second. “Of course. Hugs and couch cuddles are completely platonic. And free of charge!”

    “You’re so generous,” Red said before a smile settled onto his face. Things were okay- things would be fine. Blueberry liked him enough to… want to kiss and stuff. The thought warmed Red’s soul.

    “I’m a giver,” Sans said with a grin. “Do you wanna watch a movie? Alphys lent me one the other night that she said was super cool. It isn’t even anime!”

    “That sounds really fucking nice, actually,” Red said. Things weren’t awkward. Blueberry really meant it. “I hope you’re ready to be my space heater. I’m absolutely freezing.”

    Sans had already stood up to go get the movie ready, but he gently poked Red between the sockets. “When am I _not_ your personal heat source?”

    “Good point.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after prompting on tumblr I wrote this- next chapter to come shortly, there'll probably be around... 8? idk honestly, it was never gonna be a lengthy story

Red took a deep breath. Two days had passed- enough for him to realize that Sans hadn’t changed. It was late, said skeleton was already sleeping, and Papyrus was in the kitchen.

“Just… just a friendly bro conversation,” Red whispered under his breath. “Nothing to be worried about…”

Papyrus came out of the kitchen and ran into Red. The smaller skeleton stumbled backwards while Papyrus hardly managed to keep his tacos on their plate.

“Red, Jesus fuck man, you scared me,” Pap said. 

“Sorry- I was- uh, going to the kitchen,” Red said. He composed himself and looked at his friend- already dressed in his sleeping attire, a black tank top and an old pair of basketball shorts.

“Yeah, alright. What’s up? You’re shit at lying.”

Red huffed and rubbed the back of his head. “You don’t have to be such an asshole about it,” he said, but Papyrus was already moving to the couch and beckoning for Red to follow.

“Asshole my ass,” Papyrus said, taking a bite of his taco. “What can the Great Papyrus do for you?”

Red grinned as he sat down. “Don’t fucking call yourself that, you sound like an idiot.”

“Takes one to know one.” Papyrus wiped his mouth. “Now cut to the chase- daddy’s got some tacos to eat.”

“You’re disgusting.” He looked down, but Papyrus didn’t answer, only continued to eat his tacos in peace. Red had to calm himself down for a moment.

“I wanted to, uh… ask you something.”

“Oh?” Papyrus paused his consumption.

“What… shit, man, this is gonna be awkward as hell, but… what… what do people here do when they date?”

Papyrus stared at him for a little bit, tacos forgotten. Red immediately blushed and pulled himself into his big fluffy coat in embarrassment. 

“Listen, I’m not a fuckin idiot, okay? But apparently you can kiss without fucking here and I don’t know how any of this dumb shit works. I can ask somebody else if you don’t want to-”

“Hey, hey man, you just caught me off guard, sit down,” Papyrus said, pulling Red back to the couch and setting his plate of food on the foot table. “Why are you asking about this?”

“Well- well…” Red trailed off. It felt like the house was on fire. He looked at anything that wasn’t Papyrus. “I… I don’t want you to be angry… and I swear to god I wouldn’t ever hurt him-”

“Did my bro finally make a move?”

Red spluttered and gaped at Papyrus. “Wh-what? Did he tell you?”

Pap just laughed. “Yeah, he told me he liked you. That was a week or two ago, he didn’t seem like he was gonna make a move, though… what’d he do?”

Red’s surprise vanished. He held his arm and looked away again.

“Hey, you don’t have to tell me,” Papyrus said immediately. He leaned back and put his hands in his pockets. “Hmm… what do people do when they’re dating?”

“Y-Yeah… I don’t really know how it works around here…”

“Well, usually kissing and holding hands and stuff, a few “I Love You’s” here and there, sometimes pet names? Babe, honey, all that stuff. I don’t have much experience, honestly, I dated Muffet for a while in grade school but other than that…”

“So there doesn’t have to be sex?” Red asked, maybe a little too hopefully.

Papyrus looked at him and frowned. “No, there doesn’t. I can’t say I know shit about my bro’s sex life, but I don’t think he’s very keen on it, either.”

Red let out a big breath. A small weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

“So… so cuddling and stuff?” he asked.

“Pretty much. And- besides, it’s Sans. He’ll go as slow as you need him to. He cares about you a lot.”

Red blushed, trying to force the little smile off of his face. “And… you’d be okay with it?”

Papyrus looked up at the ceiling for a moment. Anxiety began to pool in Red’s ribcage, but Papyrus laughed.

“Honestly? I think it’d be real fuckin nice for both of you.”

“Aren’t you scared I’ll-” Red stopped himself. He shouldn’t have said that. 

“No,” Papyrus said at once. “No, I’m not scared you’ll hurt him, or… or anything like that, man.” He gave Red a smile. “If anybody’ll take good care of my little bro, it’ll be you. I trust you.”

Red stared at him for a moment. The severity broke when Papyrus booped Red between the sockets.

“Besides, we all live in the same house. It ain’t like I won’t know what you two do.”

Red punched Pap’s arm.

Tomorrow he’d tell Blue.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i updated the tags and added the rape/noncon warning- there won't be any in the events of the fic, however there will be more mentions of Red's past abuse and what happened, so I thought it was appropriate to mention. Anyways, here's this! 
> 
>  
> 
> oh yeah [here's a picture](http://fav.me/daie34n) of all four of the ltl skeleton fam members i drew, in case you were wondering what they looked like in my lil ol brain~

“Red! Breakfast is ready!”

Red groaned and looked at the door to see Sans peaking in, apron on and spatula in his hands. He was grinning- but then again, he was always grinning.

“Ugh… I’ll be there in a second.”

“You better be! I made pancakes.”

“Chocolate chip?”

“Of course.”

Blue closed the door behind him and Red scrambled out of bed. Holy shit he loved chocolate chip pancakes. He dragged on a pair of sweatpants, forgoing his jacket and descending the stairs in his simple red shirt.

Papyrus and Gaster were already sitting at the table when Red made it down. Papyrus had picked up a pancake and was eating it like a taco. Gaster was using a fork like a civilized skeleton.

“Mornin, bro,” Pap said with a mouthful of pancake.

 _“Good morning,”_ Gaster signed after he’d put his fork down momentarily.

“Mornin pops, mornin’ Paps,” Red said, earning himself a small smile from the eldest skeleton and a groan from Papyrus. He took a seat, leaving an empty seat between himself and Papyrus for Blueberry.

“Good morning, Red,” Sans greeted as he came out of the kitchen. His pink apron had little frills around it, with darker pink text that said “don’t be afraid to take whisks” and flowers on it. He had a plate with more pancakes on it, which he deposited in front of Red.

“Thanks, Sansy,” Red said, and Sans grinned. Did he cheeks heat up a little? Probably not, and besides, Red was too busy slathering his pancakes in syrup to really think about it.

Breakfast was always nice. So was lunch- and dinner, for that matter. Eating had always been a chore back home, but here it was pleasant. Papyrus flicked crumbs at him across the table while Gaster tried to look disapproving, but he broke and smiled. Sans came back sans apron and sat down, clapping his hands and giving all the others a look.

“How are they?” he asked.

“If they were a person I’d fuck them,” Papyrus said, and that earned him a stern shoulder slap. Red laughed, and he got one too.

“They’re good,” Red amended, “just like they always are.”

“I’m surprised you can taste them underneath all the syrup,” Sans commented with a mischievous look. “What do you think, sir?”

 _“Very good, thank you,”_ Gaster said. Red nodded in agreement.

His father was looking better everyday. The deep, jagged scars on his face were finally beginning to heal, and while he’d never be back to one hundred percent, he’d be able to speak again. He hadn’t had an episode in months.

The meal was dragged out as long as possible. The warm morning atmosphere was intoxicating, Red sort of wished it could last forever. Eventually, though, Papyrus stood up and gave the two Sanses (and the confused Gaster) a clank on the head before he pulled on his hoodie and headed out for sentry duty. Red would have to leave in an hour to go help Muffet, but he just had to put a jacket on and he’d be fine- cleaning dishes didn’t require much of an outfit.

Gaster excused himself, and then it was just Red and Blueberry. Red helped the cook clean up like he always did.

Sans was busy cleaning the skillet when Red coughed. He was blushing, so he kept his eyes on the soapy water.

“So uh… I’ve been thinkin’ about that thing you mentioned…” he began, “about… y’know…”

“Mmm?” Blue hummed, kind of half listening like he did at times. Red took a deep breath.

“So I guess… if you want to, still, we could date.”

Red jumped when he heard the pan Sans had been cleaning clatter to the floor. He turned and saw the shorter skeleton staring at him with his single eye glowing bright enough for two.

“Oh- oh! Of course!” he tittered, hurriedly grabbing the pan and slamming it into the cupboard. He had a barely suppressed grin on his face, which Red soon found on his own as well.

“So is that… a yes?” he asked.

“Yes!” Blue said before he wrapped his arms around Red's shoulders and gave him a big old bear hug. He buried his head in the crook of Red’s neck and squealed a little bit, which made Red snort. His face was bright red- then again, when Sans pulled away, his was equally as blue.

“A-and of course- we can go as slow as you want to. We don’t have to kiss, or hold hands, not until you’re comfortable with-”

Red closed the gap between their teeth and gave him a quick peck.

He didn’t even need to go to the surface to see stars- they were all right there in Blue’s eye. There was still a deep, empty feeling in his soul, but he pushed it aside. It wasn’t his brother- it was Blueberry. And said blueberry squealed again and gave him another kiss- gentle and sure, but giving. Red pulled away with a laugh and Blue immediately withdrew- he was still smiling. So was Red. He felt giddy, like there was a swarm of butterflies in his ribcage. He was _excited._

“Okay! O-okay, uhm- well- I don’t really know what to say,” Sans said quickly, holding one of Red’s hands with both of his. “But! I’m really happy! I’ve only read stories and watched shows about dating before- I’ve never dated anybody- so I don’t really know where to go from here- we should tell Papyrus!”

“I told him last night,” Red said.

“I guess we’re not telling Papyrus, then!” Blueberry said. “What’d he say?”

“He said it was a good idea.”

Blue smiled harder and took a step back, releasing Red’s hand. “Oh- oh man, I don’t really know what to say… thank you?”

Red barked out a laugh, completely unprepared.

“Thank you?” he choked, doubling over. “ _Thank you?”_

“Yes! For being my boyfriend!”

“You don’t say-” Red was laughing too hard to continue. Sans was giggling, and soon the giggles turned into a barking laugh. Red hadn’t felt so fuckin light and happy in years- maybe in ever?

It was a good feeling.


	6. Chapter 6

Red had to be honest- nothing much changed between their relationship. There were kisses, and sometimes when they watched TV together Blue would slip his hand into Red’s and Red would blush and feel little sparks of elation in his bones, but other than that, things remained much the same.

It was honestly really fucking incredible.

They were settling down to sleep- three weeks after their “dating” status had been made official. Red threw off his jacket and his shorts until he was left in just his boxers and a t-shirt. He looked over to the closet to see Sans standing there, completely naked.

Red blushed and turned away, but Sans hadn’t seen him. He fought to push down the sludge- he could pick out the rib he’d used so so long ago to threaten Sans into complying. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.

He jumped three feet in the air when he felt Sans’s hands on his pelvis.

“Oh- sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Blue said, but Red shook his head. He had his pajamas on- corny blue and white pinstriped pajamas that made Red snort. 

“Nah, it’s fine- I’m good. You spooked me.”  
“You looked pretty deep in thought,” Blue said as he made his way over to his rocketship bed and threw open his big puffy comforter to snuggle inside. “You okay?”

“Yeah- yeah, sorry, I’m fine,” Red said. He ignored the little sadness in his chest- Blue was already getting into bed. Red wouldn’t get a goodnight kiss. He cursed himself for jumping- maybe it was his swearing earlier- he wished he knew.

“Uhm… hey, Red?” Blueberry asked softly. The skeleton stood up straight and looked at him, and Sans continued without meeting his eyes.

“I’ve been thinking…”

Red’s soul shriveled. He was going to break up with him- say how awful it was to date him- how he didn’t even want to be friends anymore-

“We can sleep together, in my bed, if you want to,” Sans said, blue tint to his cheeks. “I know your mattress isn’t nearly as comfy, and since we’re together I don’t think it’s weird?”

Red’s soul lifted back up from the bottom of his bones and he smoothed out the front of his shirt. “You sure? I’m pretty fat.”

“You’re not fat! No fatter than I am, anyways,” Blue said with indignantly. “You’re perfect the way you are.”

It was Red’s turn to go bright… well, red. He made his way over, and Blue held up the covers for him to get in underneath. Blue’s bed was a weird size, somewhere smaller than a queen but larger than a twin. It was probably because Papyrus had made the frame himself.

Red crawled in and snuggled up to Blue. He was warm- warm and nice, and he turned so they were facing each other. They looked into one another’s eyes for a moment. Sans was so perfect- everything Red wished he could be.

“I love you,” Red blurted. 

Surprise flashed in Sans’s eyes, and Red wished he could pull the words back into his big fat mouth, but Blue just smiled and gave him a peck on the brow.

“I love you, too,” he said softly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: minor flashbacks to rape/noncon in this chapter

Red felt like shit.

It was the weekend. He laid on the couch with his head in Blue’s lap, a gentle hand running over his skull. He’d given up trying to make himself feel ashamed for being treated like this- it made him feel safe. Safe and wanted.

They were watching NTT, who had Grillby as a guest star. They were cooking something- Napstaston just kept playing weird little jingles and Grillby was doing his own thing- and dancing- it was weird. Red was only half watching, honestly. His mind was still off on last night’s bad dream. It’d been generic, but enough to shake him and ruin his Saturday in with Blue. It was almost their one month anniversary- which, according to Blueberry, was a big deal. 

Napstaton changed up his music. The food was just going everywhere- Grillby had shit all over his fancy clothes, but started dancing with renewed vigor at the increased tempo.

“Hell yeah- you like that?”

_ “Do you like that?” Papyrus asked, his finger tracing up along Red’s forcefully conjured cock. Red shut his eyes tight like it could stop what was happening- Papyrus grabbed it and started jerking him off in earnest- _

Red winced and curled up tighter. He closed his eyes- told himself to breathe- it would go away. Blue’s hand slowed on his skull.

“Red?” 

The skeleton didn’t trust himself to speak. He slowed his breathing and stared at the TV- listened to that- felt how warm Blue was- all the things he’d been told to do if this happened. 

Blue’s hands eased him upright, and Red reflexively hugged him. The shorter skeleton rubbed the back of his spine.

“Sir, you’re going to ruin the equipment-”

“Oh, shut up! Just let it happen! This is gonna be a great show!”

_ “Stop fighting it, brother,” Papyrus said. He spit the last word like a curse. “Just let it happen.” _

“Ngh- turn it off-” Red whimpered. 

“Red, I’m right here. You’re safe,” Sans said. “You’re gonna be-”

“I said turn it off!” he screamed, and he didn’t really think- he grabbed the nearest object he could in his magic and flung it at the TV.

There was a crash like thunder and the noise of electricity shorting out.  Red’s eyes flew open and he saw the smoke rolling up from the TV- now with its remote sticking out of the middle

“R-Red!” Sans said. 

_ “It’s so small, Sans,” Papyrus said. Red tried to struggle, but the chains held him down. He didn’t want this- he kept telling himself that he didn’t fucking want this- but he was so close- _

Red felt hands on his shoulders.

“No!” he shouted, pushing them away. He stumbled into the corner.

“It’s me, Red, it’s just me,” Blue said, and he kept his distance. He held up his hands. Red’s vision was blurry, but he saw the eye and the little body and his breathing began to calm.

Somebody came running down the stairs. Red froze.

“What the fuck happened to the TV!?” Papyrus shouted. He was angry- he turned his angry, accusatory glare at Red.

“N-No- I didn’t mean to,” Red breathed. “I’m sorry-”

“We’re gonna have to buy a new one!” Papyrus said loudly. “Fuck- we don't have enough money for that!”

“Papyrus!” Blue scolded hotly. Red winced- they were angry- they were angry at him- they hated him-

Red grabbed his skull and stared at the ground. “I’m sorry- I’m sorry- I’m s-sorry-”

If words were said, they came through fuzzy. Papyrus got closer- Red only saw black armor and scarred eyes and clawed gloves- 

“D-Don’t hurt me- please don’t hurt me-” he cried. “I’m sorry- I’ll b-buy a new one- I’m sorry-”

Papyrus- Red didn’t know which one- was getting closer. Red curled up.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry- I’m sorry- please- I’ll be good- I’ll be a good b-boy- please don’t, boss, please don’t-”

His vision faded out. He kept repeating himself until his air supply was finally used up. 

He passed out.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry all these chapters are so short lol, i'm just really impatient
> 
> [here's some fanart i got for the last chapter!](http://faeriemayden.deviantart.com/art/Learn-to-Love-Chapter-7-Fanart-640078497)

Red was on the couch. Sans sat at the table with a sad, dark feeling in his ribcage.

“I didn’t know he was having an episode,” Papyrus said. He was sweating. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry-”

“It isn’t your fault,” Sans said at once.

“No- no, it is my fault- I got mad at him and he thought I was going to hurt him.” Papyrus grimaced and stilled his hands. “Fuck- he thought I was going to hurt him-”

“It’s not because of you,” Sans said immediately. “You know he’d never be scared of you.”

Papyrus swore under his breath, but he didn’t argue. Sans clutched his glass of water and stared down at the surface.

“Why does he have to deal with this?” Papyrus said, and there was a deep, cold anger behind the words. “He doesn’t fucking deserve this. God- fucking damn it, bro, it isn’t  _ fair.” _

“We just have to be here for him,” Blue said softly. He hated it- seeing the awful, soul-stopping fear in Red’s eyes, knowing there was nothing he could do to ease his pain- he hated every moment of it.

“Fuck, dude, should we… should we try to get him some help? Going to talk to the doctor helped me- they might be able to do something about the psychosis, right?”

“We can try,” Sans said. “He won’t want to, but we can try.”

“He can’t keep going like he is… it’s been four years- he isn’t getting better. Last week I joked about him eating out of a dog bowl cause he was being messy and he nearly passed out- he thought I was serious.”

“I know. I know, Papy.”

“It’s hurting him, bro, I know it is… I think having you there helps a lot, but love and kissing isn’t going to cure his goddamn mental issues.”

“I know…” Sans grimaced and looked away. “It… it might be the case that he won’t ever get better. He’s gone through so much, Papy, I… I don’t like to think about it. He talks in his sleep sometimes.”

Papyrus deflated, and his anger vanished. “He’s opened up when we’ve gotten drunk. I feel so fucking bad.”

“Even if he doesn’t get better…” Sans began softly, “I… I still love him, and I want to be there for him.”

“God, it isn’t like I’m the one hurt by it,” Papyrus said. “I don’t care if we have to buy a new TV every couple of years- or- fuckin- I dunno, that’s all extra shit I don’t care about. I just want  _ him _ to feel better.” Papyrus stopped and put his head down. “He’s still afraid of hurting you. I know he still thinks about it.”

Sans said nothing. He knew that. 

“He asked if I was okay with the two of you dating- he stopped himself, but he came damn close to asking if I was afraid of him… y’know. Again.”

Sans stared down at his drink. He remembered it- of course he remembered it. He’d been scared and helpless and in pain, but his brother was there for him, to tell him he was okay, that it would never happen again. Red didn’t have a brother like that.

“I can’t even imagine it,” Blue said quietly, weakly. “He said that they were close- him and his Papyrus. When they were kids.” Sans felt pinpricks of tears in his sockets. “And he… he just decided one day to… to  _ do _ that… to his own brother…”

“I would’ve killed myself, too,” Papyrus said softly.

Sans opened his mouth to say something- how awful that was- but… he couldn’t. He could hardly even think about it without his ribcage aching like it was being squished. 

“Maybe we should talk to him about it?” Papyrus asked. “I know he doesn't like to… I wouldn’t either, but… it might help?”

“We shouldn’t force him, but it’s worth a shot,” Sans replied. “I think both of us might stress him out.”

“You should be there when he wakes up,” Papyrus said, and there was a well-concealed but tangible sadness in his voice. “He might be scared of me.”

Blue nodded. “That sounds like a plan.” He looked up at his brother, who was staring down and lost in thought. He’d always been there- to pick him up when he fell, cheer him up on bad days, Sans couldn’t even imagine a life without his brother.

“I love you, Pap,” Sans said.

“Love you too, bro,” Papyrus said immediately, subconsciously, neither had to even think about it. Blueberry had always loved his brother no matter what.

He wanted Red to know what that felt like.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: very triggering content. be careful

His brother was there. Red’s mind was fuzzy and dark and he knew it wasn’t real, but it sure fucking felt like it.

“Go away,” he groaned, and it came through like he was underwater. His bones felt heavy and tired. He was exhausted. His brother prowled around him like a hungry dog.

“They’ll throw you away. Like garbage.”

“No they won’t- fuck off- get the fuck away,” Red cried. He curled up as tight as he could.

“Poor poor Papyrus… you must make him feel awful. He’s done nothing but give you kindness and yet you can’t even tell him apart from me.”

“It’s not my fault,” Red moaned as he squeezed his eyes shut. “He doesn’t… doesn’t think that.”

“Of course he does. Why wouldn’t he? You come to his timeline and rape his baby brother, steal him away, take all the attention for yourself- break his things- why wouldn’t he hate you?”

“He doesn’t- he doesn’t-”

“Didn’t you see how angry he was? How mad? He’s always felt that way- and you gave him a real reason.”

“No- stop it- go away-” Red sobbed.

“What makes you think you deserve them? You know what you did. How many before your little boyfriend? How many other Sanses did you rape? How many people have you killed?”

“I didn’t- mean it- I didn’t mean it-” Red bawled. Oh god- how many? How many?

“Didn’t mean it? Didn’t mean to fuck him senseless?” his brother sounded closer. “He told you to stop, brother. He was  _ begging _ you to stop.”

“I didn’t- I- I-I didn’t-”

“And you have the gall to sit here sobbing? About somebody  _ you _ raped? About what you did- willingly?”

“Please stop- please stop-”

“If you ask me, you should kill yourself and save them the trouble. You’d be doing everybody a favor.”

Red couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think straight- he couldn’t move-

“Here, I’ll just do it for you.”

“No!”

 

Red jerked awake, sweating and panting. He struggled at the things touching him, it was too much, everything was too much. He thudded against the floor and his bones rattled but he couldn’t find the strength to move.

“No- No-”

“Red- Red, shh, it’s okay. Red, it’s me, it’s okay.”

Red stopped thrashing when he saw Blue crouching beside him. He remembered how excited Blue had looked to see him for the first time- said he’d looked cool- right before he’d tied his wrists and slammed him down and fucked him-

Red clawed at his sockets and whimpered. He felt two gentle arms pull them away

“Hey, hey- I’m here. You’re okay,” Sans said, and Red had no choice but to look at his face. He felt awful. His soul was twisting and he just wanted something- anything- to dull the pain.

“Hurts,” he whined. God he hated himself. He wanted to melt into the floor and never be seen again. “I’m sorry.”

“Shh… deep breaths. You’re gonna be okay. Do you want to talk about it?”

Red didn’t answer, just shook his head and slumped against Blueberry and hugged him.

Sans rubbed his back and pulled him closer. “Shh… I’m here. I’ve got you. I’m right here.”

Red didn’t say anything for quite a while. They sat on the living room floor, Red curled pathetically against Sans’s chest, Sans cooing and rocking them. Eventually he stilled his movements, a hand running gently on his skull, top to bottom, then back again. It felt nice. Red closed his eyes and blocked out the thoughts in his head and the pain and focused on Blue’s breathing, and his hand, and the way he held him. 

“M’ sorry,” he said eventually. He didn’t move, or open his eyes. 

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. You’re fine.”

“I… I’ll buy a new TV-”

“That doesn’t matter- we don’t care about the TV, Red,” Blue said, and his voice was so gentle and kind. Red pressed himself tighter to the smaller skeleton and felt tears prick his eyes.

“I’m sorry things got out of control,” Blue began. “I should have listened to what you were saying. I’m sorry, Red.”

“S’not your fault,” Red replied with a sniffle.

“It isn’t your fault, either,” Sans said, still running his hand along Red’s skull. He paused for a moment. “Papyrus wanted me to tell you that he’s sorry for shouting.”

Red’s soul fell. “Shit- shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t- I don’t know what I was thinking-”

“It’s okay, he understands. He just didn’t want to scare you when you woke up.”

Blue’s words might have been meant to comfort, but Red’s soul felt like it was being broken. His brother was right- god, of course he was, who wouldn’t hate him? He clenched his jaw and Sans went back to his gentle ministrations.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Of course he didn’t. Of course he fucking didn’t, but Red squeezed his sockets shut anyways. He was living in their house, he was eating their food, his meager pay from Muffet barely contributed anything- he’d broken the TV and he had to be coddled like a fucking baby. He had no right to refuse them.

“I… I saw him,” Red managed to force out. “My bro. I th… thought your bro was… him. The shit they were saying on the TV made me… I don’t know. Fuck.” Red curled tighter and groaned. “I don’t fucking know.”

“You said before that you had psychosis- like your father, right?” Sans asked. “Is… is that what happened?”

“I… I guess… yeah,” Red muttered. “Paps used ta… ta make me do shit. If I was bad… he’d… chain me u-” Red broke off with a shudder. Sans deserved to know- it didn’t matter what Red wanted. “..chain me up… jerk me o-off ‘n stuff… e-e… e-edge me till I begged…”

Sans was silent. Red hated it- he hated the silence. He hated thinking about it. He hated it. He hated himself.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Red. I don’t know what any of that would be like, I… I’m sorry.”

“S’not your fault… I j-just…” god he was a sniveling mess. “I just want to… to go to bed.” And never wake up. He kept the last part to himself. 

“I’ll help you up,” Blueberry offered. He aided Red in standing, and the bigger skeleton nearly fell, but Blue’s steadying hands were there to help him. 

“Th… thanks,” Red managed.

“I have to go get Gaster from the lab- will you be okay by yourself?”

“... y-yeah. Yeah.”

  
  


Papyrus stayed in his room. He heard Red and Sans speaking briefly in the room next door before Sans had to leave to go and get Red’s father from the labs. He wanted to go look in, to make sure Red was okay, but he kept his distance. It was so hard- he wanted nothing more than to scoop up his bro’s doppleganger and hold him and keep him safe from all the bad things, but he was worried about triggering another episode so soon after the last. 

The undernet had little to offer that day. Papyrus idly scrolled through his feed, saw Undyne updating her status about the experiments she and Gaster were doing, watched some videos, small things to keep him distracted. It didn’t work too well. He thought he heard Red in the room next door, but when he stopped and listened he heard nothing. He was probably talking in his sleep again. Papyrus sighed and clicked on some lame clickbait article about insects. 

He heard a noise that didn’t come from Sans’s room. He was on his feet in a second, soul pounding, but he had to stay calm. He left his room and walked down the hall, telling himself to take it easy. He didn’t want to scare Red.

He knocked on their door, but it was hanging a little ajar. When he peeked inside, nobody was on either of the beds. 

“Red?” Papyrus called softly, but there was no response. He walked in and looked around, but there was nothing. Sans had texted him that Red was going to sleep. 

“You in here, bro?” Pap asked nobody in particular. He peeked under Sans’s bed and found dust bunnies. Red wasn’t in the closet either. 

He heard the noise again. It was coming from downstairs.

He crept slowly, unsure of what to do. Was it Red? Was somebody in the house? Was it that dog back at it again? He tried to still his wavering soul to no avail.

The bathroom door was closed. Nobody ever used the bathroom- skeletons only needed it to shower and bathe, or if they drank non-magic liquids. He walked over and put his hand on the knob.

“Hey, Red? Are you in there?” 

There was the noise of something clattering to the floor. Papyrus tried the knob- it was unlocked.

“Red, I’m coming in- are you-”

His soul stopped dead. 

Red cowered against the edge of the bathtub. There was… there was red. On his hands and his legs- on the knife that was lying beside him- running from his mouth-

No no no- no- Papyrus ran forward on autopilot and grabbed the knife and flung it away. Red’s breathing was shallow- he was crying.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered.

“Shit- no- Red- Red oh my god-” Papyrus didn’t know what to do. How deep had he cut? It wasn’t supposed to bleed- bleeding meant he’d- meant he’d been trying to-

The wounds were on his femurs. Deep, ragged wounds, still bleeding profusely. Papyrus’s hands were shaking. He wiped the tears from his eyes and scrambled for a towel- his cargo shorts were soaked, but he didn’t fucking care.

“You’re gonna be okay- it’ll be okay-” he said, but Red closed his eyes. Papyrus pressed the towel to the wounds with one hand and dug in his pocket for his phone. He had to call somebody- Red wasn’t going to make it if he didn’t-

Red wasn’t going to make it. Papyrus bit back a sob and tied the towel around Red’s wounds. Red didn’t say anything. Papyrus punched in his brother’s number- he didn’t know who else to call- he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what to do, Red was going to die if he didn’t do  _ something- _

_ “Papyr-” _

“Y-You gotta- come home right now- hh-h-he tried to- oh my g-god Sans-”

_ “What happened? Papyrus what happened?”  _

“There’s fu-fucking- blood- it’s everywhere- he-he- oh fucking g-god- god-”

Papyrus hung up before his brother could reply. He had to do something- he had to save him. Red was sobbing. There was blood leaking from his mouth- that meant his soul- Papyrus summoned it from his chest.

A deep crack ran along its middle. Papyrus had never seen a soul so broken before. He cupped his hands around it. He had to calm down- he had to calm down and heal Red or he was going to die. Papyrus stuttered out a few uneven breaths.

Red’s body went limp. Papyrus took a deep breath and called on his magic and drove it all into Red’s soul. 

“Stay w-with me, Red, god- p-please-” he begged, trying so hard to maintain his breathing and the flow of magic. 

He didn’t know how long he stayed there. He felt his body get colder, felt his head go fuzzy- he kept going until he was on the verge of passing out. He couldn’t keep going. He stopped. 

Red still wasn’t moving.

Papyrus tried to stop sobbing. He reached out with his heavy, tired bones and touched Red’s shoulder.

“Red- please- p-please wake up-” he bawled. “Red- Red- please- please don’t die- oh g-god-”

He put his shaking hands back to Red’s soul, but his magic wouldn’t spark. He let out a keening cry and tried again- he had to- he  _ had to- _

He was dimly aware of his brother slamming open the door, he had to heal Red- his magic wouldn't work- he only noticed when he was gently moved aside and he saw Sans’s magic spring to life. A spark of purple magic hit him like a boost of energy.

Gaster was holding him, feeding what little magic he could give into Papyrus. Sans was sobbing and stuttering out pleas and prayers- he had his small hands around Red’s soul. His blue magic surrounded the little soul. The bleeding stopped. It felt like an eternity passed- until Red's soul beat. His ribcage started moving again.

He was okay. He was going to be okay. Papyrus passed out a few seconds later.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--edit-- i realize this probably seems like it came out of nowhere- which is pretty true. a lot of people who end up committing suicide do it as they're coming out of their depression- when they have more motivation to actually do it. 
> 
> i know i for one, despite feeling so much better than i have in years, still think about this sometimes- its important to know that, so you know that it isn't like... some cosmic destiny telling you that despite feeling better you should still end it. 
> 
> (so i guess the abruptness is intended? or i'm just bad at writing?? it is a mystery lmao)


	10. Chapter 10

 

Red felt like there was cotton stuffed in his skull. He groaned and opened his eyes to bright white light- and he promptly closed them again. No fucking way was he putting up with that.

“Red?”

Against his better judgement, his eyes fluttered open and he saw Sans. The light made his head hurt more than it already did.

“Hey Blueberry,” he said, mustering up as much volume as he could. He was sweating. He took in his surroundings- they were completely unfamiliar. He was on a sterile-looking bed, and Sans was sitting in a seat beside him. He looked at his wrist and saw an IV driven into his bone. He winced- that had to be _bone_ deep to reach anything that mattered. Ouch.

“Where… are we?” he asked.

“A hospital in New Home,” Sans said. His voice was subdued, and it looked like he was about to cry, but he just rubbed Red’s arm and sighed. “You’ve been asleep for about a day.”

“Oh…” He didn’t remember what happened. He went to sit up only for his left leg to scream and protest. He hissed at the pain until he remembered.

Oh. Oh yeah.

“I… shit.”

“It’s okay. All that matter is that you’re okay,” Sans said, but he really was crying now. “How do you feel?”

“Like shit,” Red responded, but his soul was sinking fast. It must have taken a lot of fucking magic to stop him from bleeding out. He’d done it a few times before- when the resets were happening back in his timeline- he would know.

“The doctor says you have to stay here for at least a week. I called off work for the next few days.”

Red looked away. “I’m sorry. I… I didn’t mean to cause this much trouble…”

“No- please don’t apologize,” Sans said, wiping away his tears. “It doesn’t matter. I…” his voice broke and he looked away. “I-I thought I was going to lose you…”

Red’s soul twisted. He reached out a hand and touched Blue’s arm.

“I’m… I’m sorry. I’m really fuckin’ sorry. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have done it. I didn’t think... “

Sans sniffled before he seemed to steal himself. “It’s okay. I love you- I really, really do. Please don’t forget that… that you mean a lot to me. And to Papyrus- and your father. I don’t know what I would do if… if you weren’t here anymore.”

Red stared down at his IV and the little hospital bracelet on his wrist. He didn't like seeing Sans cry. He hated it even more when it was all his fault. 

“I… I need help,” he said eventually. The words had to be forced out. “I-I know I already ask a lot of you guys, and I… I know I’m… I know it’s hard to deal with me-”

“We _love_ you,” Sans said at once. “We love you, please don’t say things like that.” He touched Red’s wrist before smiling at the injured monster through his tears. “Admitting you need help is the first step, right? The doctor says she wants to keep you here for another week, and then you can start therapy and some antidepressants-  whatever it turns out you need. We're all here for you- it's gonna be okay."

Red nodded. He didn’t have much to say- he heard the door click open before he could think of a response.

“Hey bro, I got you some f-” Papyrus said quietly as he stepped into the room, but as soon as he saw Red sitting there, his sockets went wide and he stopped.

Red’s memories were starting to become less fuzzy. He stared up at Papyrus even as the bigger monster was rushing in- sitting on the edge of his bed and pulling him into a hug.

“You’re awake- oh god-”

Papyrus hugged him for all he was worth. Red felt sharp, dizzying guilt coiled in his bones, but Papyrus was nuzzling him like he’d never see him again and he could only wrap his arms around the skeleton as he began to sob.

“H-H… hey Pap,” Red said, surprised to find tears in his own voice.

Papyrus said nothing. He started crying, but soon he was all-out bawling and he had Red in a death grip.

“I-I thought I’d never see you again-” he whimpered. Red’s breath hitched. “I thought- fuck- f-fuck Red- I fuckin- I-”

Papyrus just blubbered. Red looked to Blueberry, but he had his eyes down and his fists scrunched in the fabric of his pants as he cried, too.

“I’m sorry,” Red managed to say, but Papyrus shook his head fiercely.

“No- no no no, please don’t- it doesn’t matter. Fuck. Fuckin’ hell I… I…”

Gaster followed behind Papyrus. He stood beside Blueberry, but Red felt… numb. He looked up at his father and tried to apologize with his eyes, but it was hard. They were all crying. Papyrus was holding him like if he let go, Red would blow away into dust. He was the one who’d seen it… Red hadn’t even considered who would find him. He just wanted the pain and the confusion to go away.

They… cared. They all really, honest to god cared about him. Red hugged Papyrus back. Before long the other two joined them on the bed. It was so hard to understand. He  _didn't_ understand. He wanted to.

Red started crying.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can come shout at me on [tumblr](http://theperfecta.tumblr.com/) if you want lmfao


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bet you thought this was over, huh? cause lmfao me too 
> 
> i tried nanowrimo and only got like 10,000 words in before the seasonal depression came and Kicked My Ass. anyways! here's this, i had it half done for like 3 weeks and finally bothered to finish it, probably gonna be like two or three more chapters. after that i'm probably done with ut fanfics, unless i get some good ideas or something. 
> 
> Anyways, if you're reading this, jfc thank you for stickin with it? this storys update schedule is Shit lol

 

It took a lot of convincing, but Red finally got Sans and Papyrus to go home and work and stop worrying about him. Blueberry spent hours sitting in that awful looking hospital chair, usually waiting for Red to wake up or feel like talking. At least he could sit and worry on a comfortable couch if he was at home.

The doctor was nice, at least. Her name was Dr. Shore, and she spoke to Red multiple times in the first three days of his stay, but seemed more keen on him healing. The wounds on his legs were… deep, as she said. He wasn’t allowed to stand up on his own for fear that enough pressure would snap the weakened bone. He felt so shitty- he hadn’t meant to… do it that deep. He tried to apologize to the bird-looking doctor, but she shook her head like the others.

Sans and Papyrus went back to work, and it was just Red and his father. Gaster seemed uneasy at the hospital. He jumped when people entered, or when Dr. Shore spoke too loudly, but he never left. 

The intake for later therapy and medicine was unpleasant. Red was sort of glad Blueberry wasn’t there for it- he hated talking about the bad things with Blue, afraid he’d make the other Sans upset or sad. 

“Do you have any aversion to medicine?” Shore asked. She was a bird monster of many talents, it seemed. That, and the hospital wasn’t very big. It didn’t need to be- monsters were peaceful and illnesses few and far between. Apparently most of the people she dealt with were suffering from some sort of mental deterioration. 

“Nah. Uh- it ain’t expensive, is it? I don’t have that much money…”

“It’s free. There may be a small copay for therapy visits, but your family has already made it clear that they will pay for anything I think you need.”

Family… Red wanted to protest their help, but he couldn’t. He looked to Gaster, who then looked to Dr. Shore.

_ “How often will he need to come for therapy?”  _ he asked.

“Twice a week, to start. As time goes on it may increase or decrease, depending on what you feel you need.”

_ “And the medicine? What does it do?” _

“Well, since we don’t know yet what medicine to prescribe, that’s hard to say. It’s meant to balance out the chemicals in the soul and keep things stable- my colleague will tell you more when the time comes. For now, Red should simply focus on healing his physical wounds.”

“What about the hospital stay? This stuff isn’t cheap, right? I don’t want them to have to pay for all this…”

“Queen Toriel is paying for a large portion of the bill,” Dr. Shore said.

Red blinked and looked up. “Wh… what? The Queen?” Gaster looked similarly confused.

Shore nodded. “I wish I could tell you why, but I’m not sure. It isn’t entirely uncommon for the Queen to do this, however. I wouldn’t dwell on it too much. She is a charitable ruler.”

The rest of her visit was spent with her asking and Red answering questions. When she left, Gaster finally let himself relax into his chair. He let out a deep and rattling breath.

“She ain’t gonna hurt you, ya know,” Red said, looking at his father. Gaster turned his scar face and frowned.

_ “She is kind.” _

“Yeah, she’s alright,” Red said with a smile. Things were starting to settle down. He didn’t feel compelled to apologize every few minutes for what he’d done. Still, his smile only lasted a minutes before he remembered why he was there and he huffed.

_ “Red. Can I ask you something?” _

“I mean… yeah?”

Gaster smoothed out the front of his sweater for a moment before he eyed Red again.  _ “How many times… have you done this before?” _

Red flinched and rubbed the back of his skull. “I dunno… a few.”

_ “Red…” _

“...Fifteen,” he relented. He saw the mild horror on his father’s face and he drew his good leg up and rested his chin on it. “C’mon… don’t tell me you never…?”

_ “Asgore wouldn’t allow that…” _

“But you wanted to?”

_ “No… no, I only thought of it. Even at the darkest moments I… I thought of you and your brother… I hoped that leaving Asgore would put him on a better path. I was misguided.” _

“It ain’t your fault. He probably got it from that goat dick. He definitely didn’t get it from you.”

_ “Still… I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d went to such extremes in the past… I feel like I should have been able to prevent this.” _

“Woah… it ain’t your fault. It ain’t anybody’s fault but mine, okay?” Red sighed and leaned his weight onto his knee. “I already got that from Blue ‘n Pap…”

_ “Papyrus is very distraught over it,”  _ Gaster signed with a sad look.

“I should have thought about him, or… anybody. I was bein’ a selfish jerk.”

_ “It isn’t selfish to hurt.” _

Red blinked for a moment. He didn’t have anything to say in response to that. Gaster was still for a bit longer before he got up from that damn hospital chair and took a seat on the side of the hospital bed Red was sitting in.

_ “If you ever want to talk about the things he did with somebody who understands… I’m here.” _

Red smiled a little sadly but leaned over into his father and gave him a hug. “Thanks, pops. I appreciate that.”

 

“Surprise!”

Red smiled at Blue and his antics. They’d hung up a hand-made poster with “Welcome home Red!” written on it with paint and glitter. The table was set with lots of goodies- all of Red’s favorites. Gaster sat on the couch with Papyrus and Undyne while Alphys was already digging into the dessert table with vigor.

“It ain’t really a surprise when you tell me about it beforehand…” Red said, but Blue was already tugging him along as much as his crutch would allow.

“Red’s home!” Blue announced, despite everybody there already looking at them. Papyrus grinned while Undyne waved. Red had only encountered her a few times, but compared to the Undyne back where he came from she was a breath of fresh air. 

“Welcome back!” Alphys said. Gaster cringed a little at the volume, but he was smiling. Sans didn’t know much about Alphys, either, but Blue had asked him if he was alright if the two came, and he couldn’t say no. 

It really wasn’t much of a party, but Red enjoyed it. He’d asked for something fun when he came back, instead of the melancholy atmosphere that had seemed to cling to the hospital. 

Papyrus practically forced the injured skeleton to take his seat on the couch. Alphys came over with a plate full of food and handed it to Red with a toothy grin.

“I hope you don’t mind us crashing the party,” Undyne said with a sheepish smile. Blueberry was sitting on the floor beside his brother, and Undyne flashed him an accusatory look. “Sans said it would be okay, but…”

“Ain’t much of a party to crash if it was just us skeletons,” Red said. He didn’t miss the way Undyne glanced at his crutch and his leg- despite the sweatpants he was wearing, he still felt vulnerable. She seemed to steal herself before offering him a more confident smile.

“C’mon, stop bein mopey,” Alphys said, devouring a crab apple in a single bite. “This is a party! Lets play spin the bottle!”

“Al! What if mine lands on Papyrus?” Sans protested.

“Rules are rules, Sans! You gotta kiss him! This is what all the hip teens do, I swear.”

_ “I’m thirty eight years old,”  _ Gaster signed. 

Papyrus snorted while Alphys let out a deep-bellied cackle. Undyne and Blue giggled like children.

Red relaxed and let out a deep sigh. He didn’t know what he’d been thinking. How could he ever leave this all behind?

He ended up falling asleep before they even decided what game to play.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> real short chapter, i've got the next one written too, i'll post it tomorrow i guess? its almost 6:30 in the god damn morning lol

Red sat in the chair and shuffled his feet. His soul was pounding- he was such a pussy. He tried to keep a poker face but he was obviously shit at it. He felt a hand laid on his own and he looked over at Sans.

“Red, it’s okay. It’s just therapy.”

“Well I don’t know what the fuck they’re gonna do in there,” Red said in his defense. He knew damn well nothing bad was going to happen- but he was still terrified. Blue gave him a sad little smile before he turned Red’s hand over and held it.

“You’ll be fine. Do you want me to go in with you?”

“No- I ain’t a baby bones. I can do it myself,” he said at once. They’d make him talk about his problems- he didn’t want Sans to know about how fucked up he was. Well… it might’ve been a little too late for that, but still.

“If you get overwhelmed you can tell your therapist- their name’s Ursa. They were Papyrus’s therapist, when he went. They’re really nice.”

“I know- I met em in the hospital. Big ‘ol bear monster.” Red looked away and squeezed Sans’s hand. “I dunno. ‘M nervous.”

“It’s fine to be nervous. I’ll be out here the whole time if you need me for anything. It’s only for an hour.”

“Red?”

Red jumped when the unfamiliar voice said his name. He looked up and saw the bear standing there- they were a big monster. If they were from his timeline they could dust him easily- but the bear in front of him was probably a level 1 monster. He told himself to calm down as Sans raised his hand a little and drew Red to his feet.

“You’ll be fine. I’ll be right out here.” Sans looked into the other Sans’s eyes before leaning forward and giving him a quick, chaste little kiss on the forehead. “I’m not supposed to tell you, but Papy’s making a pie for when we get home.”

Red smiled. God he was still so nervous, but he had to do this. Ursa watched the two of them with an idle smile on their face before Red turned and followed them back into the main part of the building.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's either gonna be one or two more chapters after this, i'm not sure. after that i'll probably add a few to the "gaster" story i never finished lol

After the first few visits, therapy stopped being so scary. He still got nervous every time Ursa came out and said his name and he had to say goodbye to his escort- which was usually Sans but sometimes Papyrus or Gaster- and was left alone with the bear monster. But, like usual, Sans was right. Ursa was really nice, and they always listened to everything he said- or more often than not, all the things he didn’t say. 

The first couple of weeks were spent mostly learning skills he could use to cope with things before he got bad. He got his medicine- but Dr. Shore said it might take a while to find one that would work the best. Eventually, she said, he might not even need medicine. He did his best to learn all the things Ursa taught him, and to use the skills he had. He spent the boat-rides home telling Sans what they did, what he’d learned, all the things they talked about. He didn’t like telling Ursa about how often he’d cut, or how he wanted to be dead a lot, but they never looked down on him or made him feel little. 

He remembered Ursa’s words as he sat alone in his bedroom with a sharp crafting knife clutched in his hand: things will get worse before they get better.

He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t do it- he knew it. But he was  _ hurting _ and he wanted the aching pain in his chest to go away, even just for a while. His hands were shaking. He was crying, but he stifled it back.

He didn’t want to talk about what had happened before. He didn’t want to talk about his Papyrus, or the abuse, he just wanted to forget. He knew it was for the best that he opened up, but it hurt. Even just thinking about it hurt. 

He heard Papyrus in the next room over. He was laughing at something, probably on the computer or his phone. What would Papyrus think if he came in? What would he do? Red felt so awful for what he’d unintentionally done to him- making him see something so fucking horrid and bad. He didn’t want to make Papyrus or Sans or his father feel like that again. 

He put the blade to his scarred bones but gritted his teeth together. He shouldn’t. God he really fucking  _ shouldn’t  _ but he felt like he  _ had to _ and it wasn’t like he’d do it so deep- just some scratches- just a few- 

He scrambled to his feet and threw the knife away. Ursa had told him to tell somebody- talk to someone if he felt like he wanted to hurt himself. He had to do something- it was unbearable. Being alone with his own thoughts and the feeling like greasy sludge in his bones would drive him insane. His mind felt a little cloudy but he found himself at Papyrus’s door before he could think about it. He opened it without even knocking and stood there, still shaking and crying like a kid.

“Oh, hey Red-” Papyrus lazily wheeled his desk chair around before he caught sight of the crying skeleton. His eyes went wide. Red sniffled and hugged himself.

“C-Can I talk to you?” he asked. He felt stupid. He felt really fucking stupid, but Papyrus was on his feet in a second and had his arms around Red the next. Red leaned into him without even thinking.

Papyrus guided him to his messy bed and sat him down. He stayed close, though. Red was glad for that. He leaned into the bigger monster and Papyrus had him back in a hug before he knew it.

“What’s wrong?”

“Ursa told me… I should do this. I-Instead of… other things. Sorry,” Red added without thinking.

“Hey- hey, don’t be sorry. Did you…?”

“No,” he said with a sniffle. He buried his face in Papyrus’s hoodie to block out the rest of the world. “I’m just a fuckin’ mess.”

“You’re fine,” Pap said as he comfortingly rubbed Red’s back. “I’m glad you came. Did… did something happen?”

Red was quiet for a bit. Papyrus was so warm and soft, like a big marshmallow. He felt his soul beat, heard him breathing. He was there. Red hugged him a little tighter.

“Mm… we started talkin’ about… my Pap. In therapy,” Red said.

“Oh… I’m sorry. He fucking sucked,” Papyrus said. “I’m here. It’s alright to be upset.”

“I hate it. I hate- m… myself.”

Papyrus didn’t say anything for a moment. Red didn’t dare pull away to see the look on his face. The nagging, nasty little voice in the back of his mind told him that he’d be disgusted, embarrassed to have to treat a goddamn adult like a kid. Red didn’t have the strength to shut it up, but he didn’t move away either. He was so tired. He felt Papyrus shift to hold him closer. He brought his hand up to rest on the back of his skull instead of his back.

“I’m here. I know me sittin here and just.. Saying it, it won’t fix things. But you’re great, Red, and no matter what I just want you to be happy. I love you a lot- you know that, yeah?”

Red muttered something into Pap’s hoodie. 

“I can’t hear you with a face full of hoodie,” Papyrus said quietly.

“I’m sorry,” Red said. He heard Papyrus start to protest, but he squeezed him tighter. “I’m so fuckin sorry for… for before. I didn’t think- about you- or anybody? I wanted it to go away and I didn’t think. I thought you… I thought…” Red swallowed back a few breathy sobs, effectively doing his best to be consumed by the other skeletons arms. “I don’t fuckin know, I thought you hated me. I don’t know why you don’t? I’m sorry.”

“I don’t hate you. I really, really don’t, Red, I think you’re fuckin’ incredible. I love you- just like I love Sans and your dad. And I know it’s really fuckin hard to believe stuff like that, so if you ever need me to tell you, you just gotta ask- okay? It took me a long fucking time to convince myself that my little bro actually loved me. I know its hard.” Papyrus rested his head on Red’s shoulder. It was an intimate gesture, something Red still wasn’t used to. But his death grip slowly began to relax as he thought Papyrus’s words over. 

“I love you, too,” Red said after a while. Papyrus let out a deep breath before he snuggled himself even closer to Red.

They stayed like that for a bit. Papyrus kept running a reassuring hand along Red’s spine. Red stopped shaking. Papyrus loved him- his father loves him- Sans loved him. He had to keep repeating it to himself, like a mantra. If he said it enough he’d believe it. It might’ve been ten minutes before either of them spoke again.

“Your shirt kinda smells like mustard,” Papyrus commented softly. Red huffed, not quite in amusement, before he pulled away a little bit.

“Were you busy? I didn’t mean ta… barge in-”

“Red, even if I was five orgasms into the best masturbation session of my life, this is still more important,” Papyrus said with a severity that just made it even funnier. Red choked out a little unexpected laugh but hugged the other skeleton more tightly. The sadness was beginning to dissipate, and god Red was glad for that.

“That’s gross,” he said.

“I’m just bein honest,” Papyrus said, placing a little skeleton kiss on the top of Red’s skull. “You know what the people who don’t have depression say- laughter is the best medicine.”

Red snorted. 

“Do you want me to call Blue or your dad? They’re supposed to be back from the labs in a couple hours but I’m sure they’d come home now if you want.”

“No… no, I’m okay,” Red said. His ribcage wasn’t aching anymore. He leaned back and played with his hands a little, feeling a bit awkward like he always did after a breakdown. “Uhm… what were you watching before I came in?”

“A meme compilation,” Papyrus replied. Red pulled back a little, enough to mop his tears up and give him a look of mock disdain. 

“Seriously?”

“Fuck yeah dude. I live for memes.”

“Oh my god, stop,” Red said at once. Papyrus gave him a shitty smile before he shifted around on the bed so he could stand, with Red scooped up in his arms like a princess. He deposited the other skeleton on the computer chair before dragging over the other chair in the room and sitting down right beside him. Red has no idea why he had a single extra chair in his room, just kind of chilling in the corner. He didn’t question it.

“The floor is yours, Red. You got the King’s throne, full control, the ritz. Play us some dank memes.”

“Please don’t say dank memes ever again,” Red said, but the awful numbing ache in his chest was gone. He looked over at Papyrus for a moment and saw the bigger monster smiling honestly down at him.

“I won’t. Only if you promise to come to me if you want to cut again- kay?”

“Okay,” Red said quietly. "Deal."

Papyrus grinned and leaned over enough to clack his teeth against Red’s brow. “Good. You up for some fresh memes?”

“I fuckin’ guess so,” he said. God it was… weird. A good weird- having people who really cared about him there. He might not ever get used to it, but it felt warm and nice. He stared down at his hands before he looked briefly back to Papyrus.

“...Thanks, Pap.”

“Anytime, bro,” he said.

They watched memes until Sans and Gaster got home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout out to my friend hannah who loves memes so much and asks me like every night if i want to watch a "dank meme comp" with her xoxoxo


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short one this time, this story's almost over at this point, i'm thinkin one or two more chapters after this. 
> 
> i'm gonna try to finish it up here in the next few days so i can start writing the christmas stuff and get it done before christmas is over lmfao

“Aaaand… there! Ta-da! How’s it look?”

Red leaned back into the snowdrift he was resting against. Sans waved his hands at the snowman he’d made- it looked just like him, honestly.

“It looks like you. So… it’s kinda perfect.”

Sans flushed blue and plopped himself down beside Red. He affectionately punched his arm before snuggling up next to him with a contented huff.

The months had passed more peacefully than Red had ever remembered months passing. He leaned into Sans and swooped an arm around his hip to pull him even closer. He’d started therapy five months ago- he only went once every week now, and he hadn’t cut in almost that whole time. 

He leaned his skull down and kissed Blue’s teeth. The shorter skeleton giggled and kissed him back, pulling his face a little closer. It was good. Red wasn’t used to things being so good- he half expected something bad to happen to ruin everything, but it didn’t. Only more good things- maybe a few minor setbacks, but overall he was… he was happy. He grinned idly down at Blue, who noticed and gave him a coy smile.

“What are you grinning about?” he asked with a soft boop between his sockets. They weren’t far off of the main road that led to the Ruins, but it was a quiet Saturday afternoon, so they kept their voices down for fear of disturbing the peace. 

“I dunno. Do I need a reason?” Red asked before planting another little kiss on the side of his skull.

“Mm… I guess not,” Sans replied before he kissed Red back.

They sat against each other for a while. It was nice and quiet and peaceful, and Red thought he might just be able to fall asleep before he felt a shadow fall over them and he opened his eyes to see a strange monster looming over them. 

“Bwahaha! The look on your face!” came a familiar voice. Red calmed his rapid breathing and glared up at Alphys, who, even while standing, hardly had the height advantage.

“Al!” Blueberry scolded, but he didn’t look scared in the least. “I told you not to sneak up on us like that.”

The lizard leaned forward onto her battle axe, still chuckling to herself. “Ah, sorry Sansy… it’s just so much fun.”

Blue hauled himself to his feet, dusting the snow off his rear before reaching down and helping Red up as well. Alphys was… abrasive, to put it nicely. Red liked her enough, though, she was always boisterous and loud and she knew how to party.

“What were you two lovebirds up to?” She asked, wagging her eyebrows at first Sans and then Red. Of course, Alphys and Undyne had been told the truth about Red and his father’s origins to avoid confusion, but they didn’t have many other close friends to come clean to. They were probably still under the assumption he was their cousin from New Home- which made things a little incestuous, but… Red  _ was  _ technically dating himself, so…

“We were having a peaceful Saturday out before you came along and tore it to pieces,” Sans responded, helping Red dust the snow off of himself.

Alphys snickered. “Aw, c’mon Sans… I’m just havin’ some fun, ya big grump.”

“I am not a grump!” 

“Yer kinda bein’ a grump,” Red said with a smile. Alphys whooped a little and high fived him.

“This guy gets it.”

“Well  _ this guy _ is gonna get no kisses if he doesn’t shape up,” Sans said with what must’ve been his most threatening glare. Red just grinned.

Alphys smiled idly, her scarred snout and sharp little teeth quite the contrast to her always-pleasant personality. She hefted her battle axe back over her shoulder and adjusted her armor.

“I actually came ‘round to find ya for a reason,” she said. “Undyne just told me Pap is gonna go back to the labs and work with her and G, yeah?”

“That’s the plan,” Sans said. “It’s been so long since he’s applied himself… you know he loves science.”

Alphys smiled. “Hell yeah I do, the guys smart as fuck when he isn’t watching “memes” or whatever.” 

“Dank memes,” Red corrected. Al used the butt end of her axe to poke his shoulder. 

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Point is, I’m down one member of the Snowdin sentry squad if he takes the job, so I need to find a prospective replacement.”

“Oh! Did you want our help, or-”

“I want Red to join,” she said, giving him a wink.

Red stared at her for a moment before he shook himself. “Me?”

“Yeah, you! I’ve never met somebody with as good a handle on their magic as you got on yours, and with you skeletons and your bone dog anime girl transformation thing, I couldn’t think of a better candidate. I got some of the dogs wanting more hours, so it’ll only be part time, but the pay’s pretty good and you can keep your job at Muffet’s. Waddaya say?”

“I… yes?” Red said, a little taken aback. Of course he knew the pay was good, he saw how much Sans and Pap made compared to the meager portion he got from Muff. 

“You gotta be 100% sure- I know the job seems easy, but sentries are our first line of defense- if a human comes through you’ll be the first to know if you take Pap’s spot. There’s a bit of mandatory training required, but that shouldn’t take more than a couple of weeks at most, then you can start!” Alphys grinned and looked between the two of them. “And you two’ll be right near each other, so you can kiss and hold hands and all that sappy stuff during your breaks.”

“Alphys! You and Undyne do that, too,” Sans said.

Alphys brushed him aside with a wave of her claws and held out her hand to Red. “Is it still a yes?”

“Yeah- fuck yeah, of course it is, thank you,” Red said immediately, moving maybe a little too quickly to take her hand. Alphys hissed out a laugh at the response but shook it firmly, letting go only to pat his shoulder.

“No prob, Bob. Of course, all your pays are gonna look shitty compared to Gaster, Undyne’s already settin’ up to make him the Assistant Royal Scientist- they’ve just gotta meet with the Queen in a week or two to make it official. I think havin’ somebody more timid than she is makes her work harder…” She paused to rub her chin and smile before snapping herself out of it. “But yeah! Welcome aboard, Mr. Red,” Alphys said with another toothy grin.

“That’s… that’s so great!” Sans said, turning to Red and grabbing both of his hands. “We’ll get to work together!”

Red grinned at him for just a second before Sans swooped in for a kiss, nuzzling him a little in the process. Red blushed.

“Alright, alright, lets keep it PG, we’re still in public,” Alphys said.

Red laughed, still a little shocked at the sudden proposal, but not at all unhappy about it.

Things were good.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's gonna be 16 chapters ma bois, just one after this

 

Red sat in the chair he always sat in and kicked his feet like a kid who’d just been scolded. Ursa was looking at him in a bit of a worried way, but there was kindness behind their eyes like there always was. 

“Red, you don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to,” they reminded him gently.

“N-No, it’s fine, I didn’t know if… if you were okay with me goin’ on,” he said, but he refused to look at the bear monster. “I know cause of Blue ‘n Pap that… you guys don’t deal with this stuff here, so… I don’t wanna make anyone feel bad…”

Ursa let out a little breath before moving away from their computer. “Red, I’m here for  _ you.  _ In this world we may not see abuse to the extent you’ve described, but it still exists. And it’s my job to help you get passed what happened. I  _ want _ you to get passed what happened. You can talk as long as you’d like to.”

Red blushed a little and looked at the wall, the floor, all the places that weren’t the bear’s face. There was silence for a few moments before Ursa spoke again.

“When he made you transform, what did he do to you?” they prompted, picking back up where he’d left off.

Red winced at the words. “He always muzzled me, just ta make sure I wouldn’t try anything.” Red gritted his teeth together and paused for a moment. “... He’d… treat me like a dog. Hah, not to say he didn’t do that all the time, but it was… worse. A couple of resets he’d carve it in my bones, y’know, back when I still tried to fight back. One time he  _ branded _ it. Right here,” Red gently touched a hand to his forehead before he recoiled at the memory.

“How many resets were there?” Ursa asked. 

“I dunno… fifty? I didn’t keep track after ten… the first few were the hardest, y’know, it was like falling asleep and havin’ the same nightmare over and over and over again… except it was real, and he’d do different shit every time, and it fuckin’  _ hurt.  _ God it hurt,” Red said as he hugged himself and drew away into his jacket. It was a new one- Blue had got it for him for their one year. He was a big romantic sap.

“But… but yeah. He’d call me “good boy” and “bad dog” and all this disgusting shit, chain me up, whatever… it was better than the sex. He wouldn’t rape me if I was a blaster, said I was too disgusting, so I liked it better than when I was just… me. It’s all really fucked up,” Red said, glancing briefly up at Ursa apologetically.

They shook their head. “You didn’t deserve what happened to you. I’m sorry, Red.”

Red snorted. “Hah, Blue and Pap tell me that all the time. Dad too, but he can’t even make himself believe it, so he’s shit at convincing me. Musta been… musta been after twenty resets I went to the machine. I knew it was dangerous but I didn’t know what else to do. The resets would always pull me back but I managed to get away for a while, I… I found a few Paps that weren’t like my bro. They were… I dunno. But they  _ looked _ like him and they loved their Sanses and I got so… so angry.” Red closed his eyes shut tight. “I hate it, I know it was bad, I knew it was bad when I did it, but I hurt them like he hurt me. I’d get killed but I’d just end up back with  _ him.  _ The machine acted up and it just sent me places out of the blue. I’m… not a good person.” Red stared, wide-eyed, at the floor. He was rambling, he always rambled, he couldn’t help it. “I like it here, I… I dont want to be dead anymore, but nothing I do can ever make up for that shit. I’m always going to be bad. I’d take it all back if I could, but I  _ can’t _ and I hate it.”

Ursa was quiet for a while. Red looked up at them and saw a distant look in their eyes before they pulled themself back.

“People can change, Red. You’ve changed- I don’t think anybody could blame you for what you did. If anybody is bad, if anybody deserves pain and fear and sadness, it’s your brother.” Ursa took in a deep breath. When Red didn’t speak, they went on gently. “I can’t say I could ever begin to understand what it was like to be in your shoes, to be forced to endure things over and over until it hurt so much you couldn’t live. Suicide has always been the ultimate end, in my eyes.” Ursa looked away. “I can’t begin to imagine how much pain it would bring, to end your life only to come back. For there to be no escape, not even death. What you did in response to that was the result of severe psychological trauma.”

“But I still  _ did it _ ,” Red said. The oily feeling was back in his ribcage, making it ache and burn like it was on fire. “I still h… I still hurt him. Blue.” He felt embarrassed when tears started welling in his sockets, but it wasn’t the first time he’d cried in front of Ursa. “And no matter what I do it won’t go away. It  _ hurts _ to think about it- and I don’t know how to make it stop. He’s forgiven me so many times, he tells me it’s okay, that he’s fine, but it won’t  _ stop _ .”

Red hugged himself and breathed in Blue’s smell that was still clinging to his jacket. He tried to calm himself down, but he was still crying. He felt stupid. It had been over five years, counting the time he spent back in his timeline, and he was still being such a fucking bitch about this. He clamped his hand down around his arm as hard as he could, hoping the pain would help take away the ache. 

He didn’t notice Ursa’s hand until it gently touched his and pulled it away from his arm. He looked into their big brown eyes and swallowed.

“I  _ love _ him. I love him so much it  _ hurts _ ,” Red whined.

Ursa drew away, but Red felt so empty and alone. He jerked forward and wrapped his arms around the monster and held them for all he was worth. It wasn’t the first time.

There was silence that was broken only by Red’s pathetic sobs and sniffles. Ursa rubbed his back with their big furry paw.

“Red…” they began softly, “he can forgive you a million times, but you have to forgive yourself. I know you love him, and I know he loves you, but… but he can never love you enough for two.”

Red pulled away a little bit and looked up at the monster. He didn’t understand. Ursa gave him a sad little smile.

“You have to learn to forgive yourself, Red. You have to learn to love who you are, at least enough to forgive what you’ve done. Then you can start to heal.”

Red stared at them.

“You have to learn to love yourself. Maybe not as much as you love Blue, or Papyrus, or your father, but enough that you can forgive yourself for what happened in the past. I think that’s the first step.”

The cogs in Red’s mind were turning, trying to process what Ursa had said. It sounded impossible, if he was being honest, but he trusted Ursa and so he nodded.

If… If Sans and Papyrus and Gaster loved him, he couldn’t be all bad. So maybe some day he could learn to look at himself like they looked at him. It had never even occurred to him- that he might be the problem, that it was up to him to forgive what he’d done. It felt so obvious now that it was said aloud.

It was at least worth a try, he thought. If not for himself, then for the others.

He could do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the branding "dog" is (c) vidoxi 2016 i'm a dirty idea thief, or maybe i just used this opportunity to s/o their story Blue Gets Tortured? guess you'll never know lmfao (proceed with caution BGT is very nsfw and very non-consensual be safe lil fuckos its my sick nasty fav)


	16. Chapter 16

More than a year had passed like seconds. Things were good- better than they’d been in a long time. Gaster had finally been convinced to start therapy, and with medicine for his psychosis things were looking up. Red was improving by leaps and bounds- it surprised and delighted Blue that he was doing so well.

It was a quiet Saturday afternoon. Blue was lying on the couch, curled up against Red’s side as they watched some TV. Red’s hand was held lightly in his, the bigger monster running his thumb along the side of Blue’s. Sans sighed and nuzzled closer to Red- he was so warm and comfortable.

“Y’know, I’m startin’ ta think you aren’t even watchin,” he said, squeezing Blue’s hand. Blue gently shoved him, but Red was grinning.

“I’m watching- but all _you’re_ staring at is me.”

“That’s cause you’re way better than Napstaton,” he said. “I could look at you all day.”

Blue smiled reluctantly and pushed himself upright. “You’re so sappy. And borderline narcissistic.”

“We don’t look _that_ similar,” Red said immediately. “You’ve got his cool ass scar here-” he ran a gentle hand along Blue’s brow, above his right eye. “Yer like a badass pirate.”

“Well you’ve got this one… and this one, and this one, too,” Blue said, reaching out and touching some of the various scars on Red’s face. “You and Papy are the ones who are pirates- I know all the illegal stuff you guys download.”

Red laughed for a second. “Not that kind of pirate.”

“Same thing.”

“...not really at all, ya goober.”

Blue hummed and leaned back. Red bent his skull down for a second and kissed the top of Blue’s head.

There was silence for a while. Blue watched the TV, idly observing what was on, mostly lost in his own thoughts. The dim sunlight that shone underground was beginning to flee, making everything kind of hazy, but in a cozy and comfortable way. Blue nearly fell asleep until Red spoke again.

“I love you,” he said quietly. Blue looked up with a curious grin and saw Red smiling softly down at him.

“I love you, too,” Blue said. “What brought that on?”

“I dunno, I just love you. I was thinkin about my bro.”

Blue sat up a little more. “Bad stuff?”

Red looked off for a moment. He seemed far away for a moment before he turned his sockets back to Blue and drew him closer with one of his arms.

“Nah. Just that… I owe him a lot. If he hadn’t been so awful… I wouldn’t have ever met you. Or your bro- and pops would’ve been stuck with Asgore forever.” Red smiled for a second before looking back to Blue with a serious expression. “I don’t think… I don’t think I’d change things. If I could go back- y’know?”

Blue stared at him for a second. He felt his soul beat before he dove in for a hug.

“I wouldn’t either.”

Red kissed him again. Blue was full of some weird, happy feeling, like sunlight on his bones. He pressed himself closer, as close as he could get to Red, because _god_ he was just so wonderful.

“That’s gay.”

Both Sanses jumped five feet in the air. Papyrus stood near the door with a huge dorky grin on his face. Gaster was right behind him, scarf still wrapped around his neck, smiling.

“Papyrus! Gaster! How long have you two been home?” Sans demanded as he pulled away from the other skeleton, blushing furiously.

“Just a minute or two, I thought at least one of you would be napping by now, we were gonna spook ya,” Pap said as he kicked the snow from his shoes and came over. Blue scooted over and made room.

 _“It was Papyrus’s idea,”_ Gaster signed before unwinding his scarf and putting it on the coat rack near the door. _“I thought it was romantic, though.”_

“Oh my god! You shouldn’t eavesdrop!” Blue said. Gaster made his way over and leaned against the arm of the couch.

“You’re a jerk,” Red said, reaching over Blue and giving Papyrus a punch on the shoulder.

“Takes one to know one,” Pap said at once. He kicked his feet up and pulled a lollipop out of his coat and stuck it in his mouth.

Red didn’t argue further. Blue scooted over so he was partly in his lap so Gaster could sit down on the couch as well. It was a three person couch, but they could all fit if they squeezed. None of them seemed to have any opposition to the cuddling.

“I agree,though,” Papyrus said after a moment.

“With?”

“Red, about his sappy ‘wouldn’t have it any other way’ thing,” Papyrus said as he leaned back and got himself comfy in the couch.

 _“I do, too,”_ Gaster signed.

“You’re all patronizing me and I don’t appreciate it,” Red said, but he was wearing a smile as he said it. Papyrus chuckled and leaned over and drew another lollipop out of his hoodie pocket and stuck it in Red’s mouth without even unwrapping it.

“Shh, I’m watching TV, stop being so noisy,” Pap said. Red groaned while Gaster and Blue laughed.

Blue relaxed into the other skeletons and let out a deep breath. Papyrus and Red continued to bicker about things while Gaster laughed and added commentary. The TV played quietly in the background, all but forgotten. Sans’s eyes started to drift closed before he realized it.

The world kept on going while the family of four snoozed on the couch.

Sans wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everybody who read and supported this for the six months it took me to finish it- it means the world to me!
> 
> I'll probably write another christmas related thing for the good old "learn to live" verse but other than that... I think this wraps things up. I'm really grateful for everybody that read this, commented, drew fanart- you're all the best and I love you. Have a happy holiday!


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